Harold Carr

Harold Carr

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home :: community :: 2003-10-24-disappoinmentFascinationGuilt.html

Fri, 24 Oct 2003

Disappointment, Fascination and Guilt

I've been meeting with mutual friends of Craig. The contact has been good to share our grief, but there also seems to be an element of disappointment. It seems we have also been meeting to stay in touch with Craig but are ironically let down when the other person is not him... he's still gone.

As I return to the rhythm of my ordinary life it seems the last two weeks have been an eternity occurring in an instance. Looking back on those first days of learning Craig died, I'm fascinated, fascinated remembering how the world dissolved, how nothing existed except his absence, how the core of my being was completely in the present - there was no past, no future, just an infinitely empty now.

On Monday I fly to California (and the following week to Sicily) to give presentations on my work. I'm already feeling guilty knowing that I'll be so engaged that I won't have time to think about Craig every hour of every day. I don't want to bury myself in work to forget. I want to remember him. I want to keep him alive. But it's a fact, life goes on regardless...

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Harold Carr

Harold Carr